STATE OF THE STATE ADDRESS By His Excellency, Sir Simi Boy, Governor of Rivers State, Defender of the Vape

Published By Jerry Adesewo Last updated Sep 13, 2025

STATE OF THE STATE ADDRESS By His Excellency, Sir Simi Boy, Governor of Rivers State, Defender of the Vape.

By Jerry Adesewo

My beloved people of Rivers State,

The wilderness years are over. The exile has ended. The stone that the builders rejected has returned to the site, polished and shining. On this sacred day, the 18th of September, I hereby declare a new holiday in our history: Rivers Democracy Day. For today, I, your hero and your humble vape-holder, have reclaimed the reins of destiny.

I stepped off the plane at Port Harcourt International, inhaled the perfume of refinery smoke mixed with roasted booli, and saw my state groaning like a child abandoned at the playground. Political orphans had been playing “ten-ten” with your future. But fear not. Sim has returned. Governance has resumed. Democracy is back—on my terms.

And so, in the spirit of freedom and pepper souping, I unveil my 7-Point Masterplan to Rescue Rivers State from Amnesia and Return It to Paradise.

1. The Ibas Must Fall Inquiry

Our first task is justice. Where is our money? Who chopped it? Rivers money should be for River people. I shall establish a Commission of Inquiry with the holy mission of exposing every kobo mismanaged by my predecessor—His Excellency, Nyesom “Ibas” Wike (for legal reasons, name withheld but not hidden).

This commission will last for 12 months only, consume around ₦50 billion of your money, and produce a 5,000-page document nobody will ever read. But mark my words: justice will be done… in theory.

2. The Great LG Election Purge

Are those elections? A disgrace. Selections conducted without my permission? A travesty. Therefore, effective immediately, I hereby annul every result. Local Government chairmen, pack your load and go back to wherever they hire you from. In your place, I appoint Sole Administrators: my barber, recharge card seller, my children’s lesson teacher, my maiguard, my suya man in GRA, my cousins, and anyone who can spell “Sim” correctly and proudly. That, my people, is democracy refined.

3. PDP: Rest in Pieces

As of today, the Peoples Democratic Party no longer exists in Rivers State. Yes, you heard me. I have invoked the hidden clause in the Constitution (don’t bother looking for it). PDP is now officially banned, outlawed like counterfeit fuel and expired Indomie.

All their properties—chairs, old posters, faulty generators—are seized for the glory of the state. Rivers cannot sail into the future while dragging the anchor of yesterday.

More importantly, Sim and Wike don’t belong in the same body of gin. Make we leave him PDP for am.

4. 2027: The Great Migration Policy

Let me be clear: 2027 is coming. If by then you are not a loyal, card-carrying, APC-chanting disciple, you are an enemy of the state. And enemies must migrate. Your destination? Akwa Ibom.

Yes. Betray us, and you will be deported to Uyo. You will live among fresh hotels, good food, and clean roads—but with shame in your heart. This is your final warning. You either join me in APC or rot in your PDP.

5. State-Wide “No Gree for Anybody” Policy

Our new slogan na: No Gree for Anybody. Except me. No gree for landlords asking for rent. No gree for bosses demanding work. No gree for tax wahala wey dem dom bring come our head. Most importantly, no gree for politicians outside APC. Break this law, and you will board the bus to Uyo faster than you can say “bole and fish.”

6. Renaming the Landmarks

History must reflect the present. Henceforth, all remnants of Wike’s vanity projects are erased.

Nyesom Wike Legacy Highway is now “Simi Boy Smooth Ride Boulevard.”

Government House becomes “Simi Boy’s Vape Lounge and Governance Centre.”

Even the state anthem will now start with: “As e dey sweet us, na so e dey pain them.”

7. The Dawn of One State, One Party, One Leader

My dear Rivers people, let this message ring loud and clear: the era of division is dead. The days of confusion are gone. Today, Rivers State is reborn: one state, one people, one party, one leader.

As we celebrate this first Rivers Democracy Day, September 18, remember: freedom is sweet when guided by Sim. Questions? None? Good.

Now, if you will excuse me, my pepper soup is calling.

Signed:

His Excellency, Sir Simi Boy

Governor of Rivers State,

Patron Saint of a Troubled Democratic Enclave